Emotional Intelligence in the couple

Emotional Intelligence in the couple

If you want to meet a person, don't ask him what he thinks but what he loves. San Agustin

Emotional Intelligence plays a fundamental role in the maintenance of the couple.

All emotion has at its root an impulse towards action, and effectively manage these impulses is basic. Paradoxically, this can be especially difficult in a love relationship, where there are so many things at stake. The reactions involved here reach some of our deepest needs such as the fact of be loved or feel respected. The fear of abandonment or being emotionally deprived is evident in this facet of our lives. No wonder that during a conjugal fight let's act as if our very survival was at stake.

About 50% of marriages end in divorces when the spouses sadly discover that they have not married the person they believed. Within the first year of marriage, incompatibilities and individual problems of Emotional Intelligence come to light, and many couples do not know how to address these problems.


  • 1 The crush
  • 2 The importance of courtship
  • 3 The marriage
  • 4 Separation and divorce

The act of falling in love

Falling in love is a feeling that is born spontaneously and with great intensity, it is that "strange sensation" as some people call it, which is maintained for a while and then decreases. In some cases it disappears and in others it becomes love.

For two people to fall in love there must be certain circumstances such as physical attraction, that complement each other intellectually, a certain degree of emotional intimacy, approach and desire to be together, among others. However, there are cases where these conditions are not necessarily met and people fall in love anyway.

Falling in love is a very intense emotional experience that leads people to get involved in a very deep way. Generally this feeling is observed during the adolescence and youth stage, but some people repeat this same pattern of behavior throughout their life, in which all the thoughts and ideas that they have of the other are positive, idealized already Almost irrational times.

In this phase, both members of the couple They are extremely tolerant of each other, so that they can maintain the intensity of falling in love. Any inconvenience, however serious this may be, is not given importance because what matters is the desire to be in love and love the other. A kind of sense of protection is experienced, based on the deep conviction of "believing to know" what is best for the other.

Those who are in the period of falling in love have ideals that are almost always impossible to achieve, because they begin to imagine a series of situations with their partner that are not usually real, for example, "we will always be for each other", "he / she will change thanks to my love", "we are both as one" and so a lot of thoughts go through each other's mind and that then, when faced with reality, it can rarely be carried out.

Thus, falling in love favors and facilitates the formation of the couple, although in the long run it is not all so “perfect”. Both men and women feel impulses that emit unconscious signals (gestures, looks, smiles, etc.) that cause instantaneous reactions in both. It is what is defined as love chemistry.

The importance of dating

Once people decide to form a partner with lasting intention, they start what we call the “stage of courtship,” which is nothing more than a test in which they measure how compatible or not they are and what are the differences or similarities that unite both people, among other things. They even measure up to degrees of complementarity of their families, because of that when they marry or get together with their partner, they also do it with their family.

In this period, the bride and groom express common interests and expectations are made for the future and even when it is not established what is the appropriate time to maintain a courtship, it has been determined that marriages whose partner had a short dating time, tend more failure. Not so the marriages in which the couple had more time to meet at the wedding stage. However, the important thing at this stage is not only to love the person but maintain with her a high level of communication that allows us to know who she is and if it suits what we want And we need as a couple.

Choosing a person and making a life in common is one of the most important decisions in everyone's life. That is why, although we fall in love and love our partner, we must also rationalize if it fits what we want and we have asked ourselves about how the person who accompanies us in the arduous task of consolidate a family.


We talk about marriage but with it we also refer to couples who live without being married. And it is that in either case it requires a lot of ability to handle emotions and overcome the different stages of life. It is not easy to join two people who are completely different, raised with different values, ideals and attitudes, and achieve a healthy, long and lasting coexistence. One of the main aspects that is needed for a couple or marriage relationship to be maintained is the predisposition. Having the true intention and the desire to want to be happy and also make our partner happy.

A key aspect for a long-term marriage to work is the empathy. Knowing how to put yourself in the shoes of the other before making judgments or accusations is an act of Emotional Intelligence key to a healthy marriage relationship. If, for example, the spouse arrives at home with stress and anxiety from work, or conversely, if he is tired of spending a lot of time dealing with child rearing, it would be illogical to add more firewood to the fire by starting discussions or verbalizing complaints about his behavior. . An empathic attitude would be to ask him if he wants to talk and offer him the opportunity to have his own space for a few moments. If you decide that you want to talk, it is best to listen and give positive opinions instead of making value judgments.

On the other hand, a good basis to get harmony reign in marriage is also companionship. People have different ways of living and expressing it, in addition to different needs related to it, but generally marriage produces a very intensified feeling about it. Fellowship involves one's own sense of personal limits, to what extent one wishes to open up to someone and incorporate them into their most intimate life and emotions. It also reflects the point at which someone may feel that they are losing their own identity or being eclipsed by the other. This, of course, is a very personal matter. Therefore, when two people do not realize that they are very different from each other in this section, one of them may begin to feel suffocated and oppressed, while the other may feel lonely, abandoned or even unloved.

Separation and divorce

Unfortunately, separation and divorce are alternatives through which any couple can go through at any given time in their life. Unfortunately, there are circumstances that, sometimes, escape the emotional and rational control of the spouses and the separation and / or divorce, become tools that can avoid a greater evil.

Experience shows that One of the first grounds for divorce that arises is that the couple did not know each other well before getting married. On many occasions the groom and the bride, during the premarital stage, try to make the other party see that they are as the couple is supposed to be; and they don't show how they really are. In short courtships, couples have no real time to meet and when they get married they may find that they have done so with a partner that is far from being the ideal they had as what their spouse should be.

Most divorces are preceded by months or even years of disputes, offenses, heartbreak, fights, disappointments and frustrations. In the first place, couples begin with mutual provocations, with hostile treatment and vocabulary and episodes of screaming and verbal or even physical abuse.

Thus, the intensity of the emotions, the pain, the offenses, the resentment and other feelings cause a deep damage in the couple difficult to recover. On the other hand, if not done with enough Emotional Intelligence, the victimization of the children trapped in the "marital battle", produces psychological deterioration in the minds of minors, because the children are intimidated by the scenes, not knowing what to do and feel disoriented, helpless and sad about the lack of control of their parents. In addition, parents tend to ask their children for solidarity (each one on their side) generating serious decision conflicts.

Subsequently, if the couple fails to handle the conflicts and begin a divorce process, they begin a period of confrontation for different reasons, whether due to resentment, anger or the division of marital property. In this phase hostility intensifies, the desire for harm from one another. Hate arises, bitterness and sometimes even the desire for revenge.

The main problem that children have when separation or divorce arises is that parents incur a series of totally wrong behavior towards them. Parents should never put children as "spies" to inform them what the other spouse is doing, or as "messengers" to communicate with each other. Nor should they present aggressive reactions against their children to take revenge on the couple, nor threaten the spouse that if they divorce they would do tremendous damage to the children to try to avoid separation. The consequences of inappropriate behavior of parents when they divorce can cause anxiety, fear, insecurity, ambivalent feelings and different behavior disorders. So if a couple is in the process of divorce, they should consider:

  1. The problem is with our partner, never with our children.
  2. The only way that our children do not suffer during separation or divorce is that as parents we are fully aware that we must clearly explain the situation to them and tell them that, regardless of the decision they make, both spouses will continue to love and help them.
  3. If there is no choice but divorce, a friendly separation is always preferable to a conflict, for the welfare and safety of the children and the couple.
  4. A great effort must be made to overcome resentment and anger, but it is indispensable for the good of all.

Do not forget to subscribe to our YouTube channel of Psychology and Education

Related tests
  • Personality test
  • Self-esteem test
  • Couple Compatibility Test
  • Self-knowledge test
  • Friendship test
  • Am i in love